Currently, I am a bit conflicted about one of the dramas I'm watching. Strange as it may be, it isn't one of the dramatic ones. It isn't a deep thought-provoking drama. It's a light, cute rom-com starring Yoon Shi Yoon, a thoroughly adorable actor, a favorite of mine.
And yet, I've been thinking about writing this post for days. I want to but don't. I have thought about it from episode 2 until now, episode 10. I guess I better just go for it, since clearly I have been affected in a major way by Flower Boy Next Door.
Flower Boy Next Door - What I'm Not
I feel like most people relate well to kdrama characters for many reasons. And to be honest, none of those reasons apply to me. A few examples:
- Unrequited Love - I've never experienced this except as a junior high kid of age 12 or so.
- Longing for Love - My boyfriend moved in with me at age 18. He never stopped living with me... I married him about 8 years later. We have a 13 year old son. I'm not hurting for love.
- Insecurity/Shyness - If anything, I'm an arrogant, self-centered type. I can be considerate and even empathetic in an intellectual way. But I'd say I lean toward superiority complex rather than inferiority (ENTJ for those who follow such things). I'm also insanely extroverted and pretty much only shut up on rare occasions.
So clearly, I don't relate at all to the female lead here (she is definitely pretty though). She experienced some trauma and fell apart, becoming a shut-in.
The plot hasn't even been fully revealed yet, and I 100% guarantee that I suffered more trauma, at a younger age, and for a more prolonged timeframe than her.
But I'm not a frail sort. No shame to anyone who handled their traumas differently, but that's not me. I deal with mine by keeping busy and engaging with things I like and meeting new people. I literally can't relate at all.
The mean girl. I was never that either. The only person I ever bullied in high school was, in fact, the leader of the mean girls. I routinely made her feel like an insignificant nothing. These couple girls had seen too many cheesy movies and thought they were the "popular girls" even though no one liked them. They had money and dressed well. That was it.
I also had money and thought they were cunts. I made that clear. Don't pick on the shy, the poor, and the dirty. Don't pick on people who don't have a single chance to defend themselves. Pick on me, bitch. I dare you.
She never did dare to. I was actually popular in high school too... sort of a chameleon who was friends with people in every group. I was into pretty much everything: drama/theater kid, varsity cheerleader, super into metal music, obsessed with movies, loved coding & scifi & geekery, 100% fangirled over all things horror, creative writing & languages, etc. I could show up at any party... no one thought twice.
People who trample on others to feel good about themselves have the worst kind of complex... the inferiority complex that masquerades as superiority. Fuck off with that. K? K.
Flower Boy Next Door - What I Am
Enrique is very much like me. He was uprooted and had some early issues... and turned them into something productive. The guy became a success at 10 years old, for fuck's sake.
(A) Arrogant
Now, I wasn't successful so early, but I have done lots of things. I was an artist, a singer, and a dancer. I owned my own coffee shop. I did lots of drugs to expand my mind and became very involved in the arts (most of my friends are artists). I've coded video games for fun, written scripts for virtual reality training programs, and involved myself with lots of cool tech projects.
I also have an "infectious energy", a term coined by too many people to count. It may sound like bragging, but believe me when I say: it has its downfalls. People who love me really love me. They want to be my best friend and spend tons of time with me.
I'm outgoing and up for anything and have a million interests. I'm talkative and smooth in social situations. I'm a great wingman at any sort of event, including the traditional pub-type of encounter.
Essentially, I make people fall in love with me quickly... especially if I'm trying to do that. I see that quality in Enrique, mostly because Yoon Shi Yoon creates rich characters. You see the longing in him somehow.
I don't need actual relationships... I just need the temporary feeling of snagging someone. I know I have them. I know they love me. It feels nice.
(C) Quick to Bail
I'm also just like him in that... I bail on those friends quickly and often.
He was prepared to ingratiate himself in these people's lives and leave. He let his first love flit off to another country and carried on like it was nothing. He ditched the cousin he went to see over nothing and just went off on some random thing, making a neighbor girl fall for him, essentially. He made her his project.
I have had many "projects", I have been friends with and dated many people who are shy, insecure, and have various mental illnesses (magnet for BPD, actually). I bring them out of their shells.
I give them confidence. I make them feel special. But inevitably, I leave them alone because I'm onto my next adventure. In the long run, I'd like to think that I left people better than I found them. However, I know deep down that I may have hurt them more... abandonment issues seem obvious.
Additionally, I have left most everyone. I hopped on a plane 8 days after my high school graduation. I flew for the first time, alone... and made a new life for myself.
I had a huge groups of friends here by my mid-20s. I partied with them, bought drugs from them, and had a great time for 7+ years. Some were college grads who were potential lifelong friend material too (if a bit too clingy).
However, when we decided to keep our son and grow up, we figured they weren't people we would want around our child (or they simply annoyed me with the clinginess). So, we moved & changed our phone numbers without even telling a single friend. Ditched them all, cold and clean.
These are just the two most glaring examples. I also tend to abandon people when the emotional toll gets too big. I'm your best friend until you have some deep, fucked up traumatic thing happen. Then, I'm pretty much out. I'm the friend you call to FIX what's gone wrong, not to cry on my shoulder. That isn't comfortable for me at all.
This is what I meant by the downside of being confident and outgoing and charismatic. Not only do some people hate me immediately because I either annoy them (much like the Enrique character can be annoying and exhausting), but I also probably hurt people I'm trying to help out. And I only feel bad about it in a vague sort of way.
I think this is why I feel a little uncomfortable about this blog post. Just a tiny bit. I can admit and accept my flaws because that's part of my personality. I know myself well. I know that I have many faults... I just don't particularly care about them.
I feel like Enrique, portrayed by Yoon Shi Yoon, is the same way. He knows he's annoying and condescending and disliked, but it doesn't bother him because he knows his own value. Even if he slips into seriousness for a moment, he will revert back to "Fuck it" and just vibe out again.
As mentioned recently, I have no real friends: Run-On & K-Dramas: The Found or Chosen Family
To date, Enrique is the ONLY kdrama character that I have ever related to. Is that good or incredibly sad? I guess you can be the judge of that.
화이팅!
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